can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
