Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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