Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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