It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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