hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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