I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Found your dick twin last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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