now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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