My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
