For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
