im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
