he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
