watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
