So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
