literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
