This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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