Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
