Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
