Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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