he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
