I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Damn victory sex feels great
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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