You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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