Ambien. No doubt about it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
