I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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