I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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