I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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