just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
