God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
