He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
