I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
