Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
