Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
