remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
