I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
