booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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