Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
