My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
