How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
