you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
