Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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