You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
