The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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