Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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