It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
