My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
