My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
