Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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