she looked like the before picture.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
