So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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