we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
