hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
