I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
