He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
