Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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